I’m just a girl standing in front of a bonkers franchise asking it to continue its balls-to-the-wall ethos…

When 365DNI popped onto the scene in 2020 we were all in an extremely different place than we had been 6 months earlier. Hell, a very different place than we are today. A sequel had a lot to live up to. Especially one that ended up being rushed to production and then halted by a pandemic— a problem highlighted by that the fact the lead, Anna-Maria Sieklucka, had died her hair platinum blonde in the summer of 2020. 

Let’s get all the important stuff out of the way first shall we? I didn’t hate this movie. I enjoyed myself and what they accomplished. I think the average critic is going to look at this movie and say one of two things: “it’s a bloated pornographic mess” or *upbeat cheerleader voice* “it’s a bloated pornographic mess!”

I’m not going to disagree with that exactly. If you’re judging this movie, or frankly any movie in what I’m sure is soon to be a trilogy, by the standards you’d judge something more US mainstream, then yeah, you’re going to come away with those feelings. But you know what? I spent a year listening to critics talk about a French woman fucking a car and having its baby, so I’m going to talk about this movie like the art I think it is. 

Ok. That’s it for the spoiler-free parts. If you want to watch it without spoilers this is your stopping point. If you don’t care, this is where the deep dive begins…

365 DAYS: THIS DAY

If 365DNI was Kidnap-Fuck-Love, then this movie is Fuck-Kidnap-Shot. This movie isn’t the erotic romantic cliffhangered drama of the first. This movie is way more erotic women’s fiction. 

If you’ve listened to the podcast episode on the first movie, you know that my main theory is that the shopping montages were the shortcut to understanding the first movie. And frankly, I would argue that’s part of why we like them so much. They are both tropey and revelatory of how this OTT relationship progresses. 

This movie? The story is moving through the sex montages. 

The movie opens up in sorta the same way that the first movie does and the main way the books open, which is a view from Massimo. This movie opens differently from its book counterpart, but no less erotic. (The book is an extended boat scene from Massimo’s POV, highly recommend) Yes, this movie opens with Massimo fucking his wife while she’s waiting for her bestie and maid of honor Olga the Greatest to bring her a pair of underwear.

We’re not only establishing another Massimo mirage, but also we’re also establishing one of the few times we’re getting an insight to his point of view. Despite the few times we check in with him during this movie, like the previous one, we’re never given any true insight into the inner workings of Massimo.  Is this a failing of the movie, or is it a failing of the story as a whole? I argue we’re not supposed to view these installments individually, so maybe we don’t have the full picture. Until then, we have to rely on Michele Morrone’s acting chops to fill us in on what’s probably going on in the felonious brain of Massimo Torricelli. I personally think he’s improved in this aspect, especially because later on we get to see him flex those acting chops as he takes on any soapy drama’s greatest feat: The Evil Twin

Alas, this opening sex scene is the pinnacle of happiness and desire for them, because as we progress through the opening of this movie, each time our lovers get together, the encounter is a little more desperate.

Laura’s always been a brat, and the thing about her kidnapping courtship in movie one is that it gave her a chance to act out and receive the attention she wanted. But how do you convert that into a marriage? How do you make what is glorified Stockholm Syndrome work day in and out, when your husband has to manage his large criminal empire? Laura (or Lowra as almost every man in this movie calls her), who is already asking these questions the moment she gets home from her honeymoon (pussy golf amirite?), tries focusing on the one thing she knows that works for them: Sex!

So we get these two big sex scenes of Laura trying to get him to pay attention to her while fucking his brains out. We get the fantasy girl— a moment that almost works— and then the Christmas which is such the antithesis of her wedding night where she tried to establish dominance, like any good brat. No this time she’s saying I’ll be obedient with my custom-made “Fuck Me” cuffs.

*A note about this sex toy setup: I was able to confirm with Lelo that two of the products used were their Ora 3 and Soraya Wave.

Despite what happens after this scene, this is the real dark moment for our lovers, because Laura who thinks that things are going to get better now that her kidnapper-cum-husband has gifted her a fashion company for Christmas, who has been so vulnerable with him, and who only wants him to not be alone and to have someone besides her and Domenico, finds out that he has a secret brother he wants nothing to do with. This is an absolute betrayal to Laura, who’s already had one attempt on her life and is now being moved around like furniture. 

It’s all the harder for her because while we’re watching Laura’s relationship deteriorate, we’re watching Olga be her full self and find love and sexual fulfillment with Domenico, culminating in a proposal on Christmas.

So she’s fully reverted back to her brattish ways by time we make it to what I’m assuming is an NYE ball that her parents are also in attendance.

The next sequence of events are high drama that come perfectly from the finest and soapiest of properties, and frankly, is pitch-perfect. Very reminiscent of the first movie, but as I said, we’re in a Women’s Fiction story this go-round. This is How to Make an American Quilt or Under the Tuscan (or to steal from Suleikha Snyder, “Under His Tuscan Buns”). From here we move into the heart of the story, answering the unasked question, “What if Massimo wasn’t a possessive OTT Alphahole and instead of a Devil, she was with an Angel.” Enter Nacho the “gardener.”

Nacho doesn’t seem to just tend to plants, he also tends to upset women. Stealing them away and keeping them in his seaside beach house that also has a pretty impressive pool. Where you get to wear his sister’s clothes and his “cock” trucker hat. Where he bundles you in comfy throws and plies you with wine while you watch one of Netflix’s finest Polish RomComs (yes, they were watching Squared Love kids). Here in this restorative kidnapping, because no matter how nice the trappings or that she doesn’t even know it, Laura’s being detained by yet another mafioso who’s doing his damndest to woo her.

We get two sex scenes during this time that are clearly purely fantasy as they only deal in Nacho worshiping Laura with his mouth and doing a damn fine job of it. Though, I will say the second one reminds me of the fantasy that Cameron Diaz has in The Sweetest Thing, where all he wants to do is go down on her once an hour while she’s being served an ice cream sundae bar. It’s idyllic and you can see she’s starting to fall for it all even though he’s just as avoidy as Massimo in letting her in. It’s when she discovers they’re going to a meeting where her husband is present that she realizes that it’s all a lie. Massimo Torricelli might be a bossy asshole who didn’t always let her in, but he never lied to her. 

Life isn’t better with the Angel, it’s just a lie.

And yeah, they took two and a half fucking hours to get there, but they got there. 

I didn’t hate it, and it was nice to see sex scenes that were purely about Lowra, especially after the two face-fuckings from the first movie. The one thing that bothered me is that she never reached out to Olga during her time away. Early in the movie, we have a touching scene between the two of them that makes it clear that they’re each other’s people, and to see her not even call her to let her know what was up, bothered me.

I also wish we’d gotten more time with the Boris and Natasha of this movie. Anna (the chick everyone thought was Laura at the beginning of the last movie and had to live with the giant Laura picture for years until Massimo dumped her) and Adriano (the blue-eyed evil twin). I’m often upset by how much of the mafia intrigue we don’t get in these movies, but those two’s devious machinations deserved so much more screen time. And now that we’ve ended the movie with everyone but Massimo and Nacho shot, I’m desperate to see how we stick this landing in a third movie.

Anyways, kudos to the team behind this for paying attention to the thing that got them this second movie with a Netflix budget. Barbara, Tomas, Bartek, and of course Blanka and her brunette wig-wearing ass. You gave us hot sex scenes and really, isn’t that what we mostly come to this for?

Welcome to my website. I’m not completely clear on everything I’ll put here yet, but hopefully this will be your one stops shop for all things Allie K.

I have a few things in the works. The first being my #RomBkLove post on May 21, 2021.

And more to come.